Tory FAIL Blog

Tory FAIL Blog, a ConservativeHome of failure. Find out what those goofy ol' Eton boys have been up to. Got a ToryFAIL? Email: Here

Aug 18, 2009

Tory Fail #13 - David Cameron and George Osborne - Another Fine Mess

Thinking of a Conservative led economy: "That's another fine mess you've gotten us in to"

Mr. Cameron and Mr. Osborne decided to reorganize and resupervise the entire financial structure of the UK - so they took the £7 trillion and went into business.

Tools used: 2 bumbling toffs and 1 axe.

Aug 13, 2009

Tory Fail Poll 2009 - What is your Tory FAIL of 2009 so far?

What is your Tory FAIL of 2009 so far?
Nadine Dorries insisting Trident are not WMDs
David Cameron calling Tweeters 'twats'
Alan Duncan having to survive on 'rations'
Daniel Hannan #notlovingtheNHS
pollcode.com free polls

Tory Fail #12 - Daniel Hannan Does Not Love The NHS


There are many articles that will show how scary the views of Daniel Hannan the Conservative MEP of 'rant at Brown' fame are when he turns his eyes towards the NHS. This link says it all really: Here. David Cameron remains very quiet as the #welovetheNHS campaign on Twitter has near enough crashed the site on multiple occasions and Mr Hannan MEP wades in to show his hatred of the service.

Aug 12, 2009

Tory Fail #11 - Keep Digging Mr Duncan


Alan Duncan MP has been caught on camera claiming MPs are now forced to live on 'rations' and are treated 'like s**t'. His 'ration' is £65,000. He also claimed £4,000 for gardening costs. See the full story: Here

So if we take the concept of 'rationing' and the last time people in the UK were genuinely forced to ration, that would be the Second World War. I'm guessing that Mr Duncan's "about £2,000 a year" (for gardening) is his interpretation of 'digging for victory'.

Tory Fail #10 - One Is So Utterly, Utterly Progressive


George Osborne Earl of all Tatton extolls his party's progressive values, about 200 years too late.

Aug 11, 2009

Tory Fail #9 - Conservatives Launch New Paint Range

Conservatives Launch New Paint Range in Time for Autumn

For The ConservativeHome
Tory candidates are going retro! In honour of the glory days of Conservative rule under Thatcher, the David Cameron 1979 Range of paints. The colours were picked to match Dave's own shades. The essential warm autumn colours this season are:
















'Cameron Brown' (Pantone 7533 C)
Based on the exact Just for Men hair tone.

'Cameron Glow' (Pantone 1565 C)
One shade less orange than last autumn's smash hit 'David Dickinson Glow'.

The Outdoor Collection

The external paints range also include a resistant outdoor stain range from multiple Conservative personalities including Duck House Green by Viggers (Pantone 622) for those unable to afford the Stockholm duck house and David Cameron's outdoor range Wisteria (Pantone 667) the exact colour of his plant as claimed on expenses.

Aug 7, 2009

Tory Fail #8 - Obama on David Cameron... Out of the Frying Pan

Obama owns David Cameron again - Out of the Frying Pan in to the Fire

The second, analysis by President Barack Obama on David Cameron is in:

"There is increasing anxiety within the Obama administration over the foreign policy of Cameron, a man the US President dismissed as all "sizzle" and no substance.

From across the Atlantic comes more detail about Barack Obama's opinion of David Cameron. Last year, I (James Macintyre) reported that the then presidential candidate had emerged from a meeting with the Tory leader describing him as a "lightweight". Now it is claimed that Obama also said that Cameron is all "sizzle" and no substance." More

From the New Statesman, All “sizzle” and no substance, 7th August 2009

Aug 6, 2009

Tory Win? David Cameron's New Gove Interest

Michael Gove during an interview with in The Spectator appears to have let that Tory party conference late night disco secret out. He describes David Cameron as someone "you could imagine snogging like we did to True by Spandau Ballet".

Aug 5, 2009

Tory Fail #7 - H.M.S Picklefore by Gilbert and Sullivan

H.M.S Picklefore by Gilbert and Sullivan
A tale of Tory Pocket Boroughs 2009
Performed by The Conservative Light Opera Policy Society

Act I:
5th August 2009
Eric Pickles, David Cameron and a potential 'parachute' candidate are gathered in Conservative HQ. Eric Pickles (The Fairy Queen) explains Conservative electoral strategy and calms the nerves of the candidate.

Eric Pickles: I see your difficulty, but with a fairy brain you should seek an intellectual sphere of action. Let me see. Lord Ashcroft has a borough or two at his disposal. Would you like to go into Parliament?

David Cameron: A fairy Member! That would be delightful!

Tory Candidate: I'm afraid I should do no good there - you see, down to the waist, I'm a Tory of the most determined description, but my legs are a couple of confounded Radicals, and, on a division, they'd be sure to take me into the wrong lobby. You see, they're two to one, which is a strong working majority.

Eric Pickles: Don't let that distress you; you shall be returned as a Liberal-Conservative, and your legs shall be our peculiar care.

Act II:
5th August 2014
Elected in 2010, the candidate - now an MP, looks back at the first 4 years of their work. In soliloquy:

Tory Candidate: I grew so rich that I was sent,
By a pocket borough into Parliament.
I always voted at my party's call,
And I never thought of thinking for myself at all.
I thought so little, they rewarded me
By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navee!

(Original lyrics from Iolanthe and H.M.S Pinafore with names changed only)

Aug 3, 2009

Tory Fail #6 - The Oxymoron of a Tory Foreign Policy

I know it's a little late coming to the game on this one, but I thought I would explore the subject in-part of the oxymoron 'Tory Foreign Policy'.

World Domination Shaped in the Image of the Mekon
William Hague is the Conservative Shadow Foreign Secretary, which for me is a huge shock as we fully well know he is not a friend of Britain and his last attack on Earth (also know as his leadership of the party) led to him being placed in a meteor prison: here.

David Cameron's Foreign Policy Lite(weight)
This aside, we must start to imagine what a Conservative foreign policy could look like. David Cameron once lectured widely on his views on Foreign Policy, as this was 2006 we must ask if it still holds true. One of the key statements he made was "I believe that the neo-conservatives are right to argue that extending freedom is an essential objective of Western foreign policy...", but then he says:
I am a liberal conservative, rather than a neo-conservative.

Liberal - because I support the aim of spreading freedom and democracy, and support humanitarian intervention.

Conservative - because I recognise the complexities of human nature, and am sceptical of grand schemes to remake the world.
(BBC, 2006: Here)

So the part that makes him a liberal conservative, the difference, is the part that he likes about neo-cons. We of course know that the term liberal conservative is just a nice brand for someone who doesn't want to offend anyone by actually having a political philosophy - value free foreign policy. What I'm getting to here is - how does his view of the world sit with the Obama Administration - yeah the same Obama that said David Cameron is a lightweight - a FAIL in itself. Maybe this is why he put William Hague in control of Foreign Policy - as we know: here.

The last part of this musing is of course how the grotty Tory old guard headed by a new leader (ringing any G W Bush bells yet?) also have the Cheney trait of blurring big-business with Foreign Policy interests - I wonder if: this is the tip of a Halliburton style iceberg (George Osborne best not be on any yachts when this one appears).

Trident Policy
This one's a quick one - whilst David Cameron's policy on Trident is sketchy, let's not forget his colleagues views on our missiles. This video a few months back: is quite scary - Nadine Dorries, Tory MP for Mid Bedfordshire, produces one of the best Tory fails. This is the same Mrs Dorries who spat out her dummy at the Telegraph proclaiming their MP expenses revelations to be like McCarthyism, the fact her analogy is waaaay off to the point of insult, I shudder to think of her line of questioning during a perceived threat period of foreign policy - maybe 'have you brought any bombs to this table?' and of course 'your bomb is a WMD, ours are not'.

I'm sure ToryFAIL will return to this subject as a whole, but I think those musings are enough for now.

UPDATE 03/08/2009
I completely forgot to even add this can of worms - it was going to be a separate post - but it's worth adding here and now: this

Jul 30, 2009

Tory Fail #5 - Tories Lose at Quidditch... again

As Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe reveals his support for the Liberal Democrats (here), the Tory common room was buzzing with plots of how love can be eradicated from earth.

Jul 29, 2009

Tory Fail #4 - David Cameron Being a Twat

David Cameron, speaking on Absolute Radio about why he's not on Twitter said "It's too instantaneous... Too many twits make a twat" (Read More)

His almost Prince Phillip like blurt (let's not also forget 'vhere are your papers') shows 3 things:
  • he's worried about things not being stage managed, for example - his Dale Winton oompa loompa orange glow
  • he has in theory declared himself a twat - I could have sworn he was happy to hang with the twats whilst doing this
  • his colleague Boris Johnson, one of the most popular UK tweeters is an epic success at being a twat.
Let us not forget the main point - pot kettle when you think of the Conservatives recent conference in April: Video

I understand nearly 3000 people have backed his self declaration: Here

UPDATE- TORY FAIL FAN ART

The David Cameron Twitter 'Twat' incident has generated a viral chuckle for many today, maybe surpassing the Bosworth Conservatives Logo Generator Tory FAIL need not re-post any of the comments or remixes from today's Tweets - you can see it yourself by searching for David Cameron on Twitter. You can also follow FAIL blog tweets - add us @toryfail.

Courtesy of @richardarnatt we have a rather unfortunate thought bubble revealing that the T word is not the only one on his mind.

Courtesy of @lamkamkiu I think he's pictorially summed up today's Cameron Twat bonanza.


Jul 28, 2009

Tory Fail #3 - Taxi Smuggler

"Two senior Wolverhampton Tory councillors have been arrested on suspicion of robbery after an alleged dispute with a taxi driver. Councillors Carl Husted (pictured) and Ian Bisbey were held by police following an early morning disturbance in Pendeford after a night in the city centre." Read More

Tory Fail #2 - George Osbourne

Mr Cellophane
Parliament is in recess and George* is still sending out press releases from his good friend's yacht in an attempt to be heard.

Rumours are flying that he is planning a 'Fathers for Justice' style stunt on the Westminster Palace clock tower to show the electorate that the Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer does exist and that a Cameron government would have economic policies - correction, policies.

*Makes one think of Of Mice and Men, George keeps his head down whilst his good friend marauds the country wreaking havoc in search of alfalfa.

Jul 27, 2009

Tory Fail #1 - David Cameron Snowball Fail

2nd February 2009 and in an inspired Conservative PR move David Cameron orders snow to fall on Britain. "We can frolic in the snow" shouts Tory video team best boy with joy unseen since punting at Eton. Joined by Carol Voldemort, David whips that snowball with the power of Chuck Norris and the accuracy of a laser.